July 31, 2008 @ 7:01 am
Spoilers ahead for The X-Files: I Want To Believe. But to be honest, I’m not really spoiling much.
Why? you may ask. Because the movie is shite.
Yes, folks, I have to tell you I freakin’ hated the new X-Files movie. I am a huge fan of the show, I’ve been waiting patiently (and passionately) for this movie, but I have to report that it is terrible.. it is deplorable… it is bile spewed from a liver-eating mutant.
It’s bad.
Anyone who knows me knows I’m a huge X-Files fan. When I worked for CFRB on a UFO-themed radio show, playing devil’s advocate to, well, everyone, I was ranked to the dogs and back on a weekly basis by listeners (i.e., believers) who called me Agent Scully. And not because I’m a hot redhead, dig? That’s fanlove, baby. My wife, she’s in love with Fox Mulder. Not David Duchovny. Fox Mulder. Maybe not so much after tonight. That’s fine by me; maybe now I’ll finally get some attention.
Anyway, this is my long-winded way of saying that I went into this movie wanting to like it. I read the negative reviews and dismissed them. As much as I love the horror/sf/fantasy industry, I know that the fans tend be a fickle bunch, and I figured they were just being picky. That’s what fanboys do. Sometimes they nitpick because they hated the move, but sometimes they do it because they liked it, but you know, it’s not cool to say you like things, so you have criticize it to show that you’re superior to the material (“The Dark Knight” was okay, but if I directed it…). Having said that, the negative reviews are spot on. I cannot argue with them. Not a one.
Okay, so I have to tell you why this movie was bad. That’s easy: it was bad in every way. It was nice to see Mulder and Scully back together again, but that’s where it ended. The moment they opened their mouths or started following the clues through the tepid plot (such as it is), I turned off. It takes more than nods to Mulder’s sunflower-seed addiction or pencils in the ceiling to reactivate my fanlove. I kept waiting for something to pop, something to spark, something to remind me of why I love The X-Files, but it never happened. Even in the final moments I was waiting for some action, but it never happened. With the exception of a chase scene through a construction site, there is really no action at all in the movie.
As much as I like Mulder and Scully as a couple, it only worked in the final moment of the final episode. It doesn’t work when we t see them snuggling and kissing and saying “I love you.” It just doesn’t. That’s not what made these characters work individually much less together as partners. They should have left all of that behind with the TV show and continued their relationship as a strictly working one. All the talk about darkness and escaping it together made me want to cut my own head off and have it sewn onto the body of a dog.
Oh yeah. That.
Remember how Chris Carter et al. had been saying that this was going to be one of their classic Monster of the Weekâstyle stories? Mmmmm-not quite. There are no aliens, sure, no super-soldiers, but… there’s no monster, either. I have to repeat: NO MONSTER. None. Why couldn’t they do a werewolf story or something? Anything! No, what we get are a couple of Russian organ thieves working toward some grand experiment that never happens. Mulder gets attacked by a two-headed dog, and although he’s unarmed he’s somehow able to disable the mutt, but that’s as close as we get to a monster. Unless they mean human monsters in the form of the Russian scientists, or the psychic priest who also happens to be a paedophile, which provides a too-convenient way to discredit his abilities. Laaaame.
I thought it was somewhat interesting to see Scully working in a Catholic hospital, but I still felt something was missing. Then my wife summed it up perfectly for me: “She was okay, but I miss Morgue Scully.” That’s what I missed, too. Scully up to her elbows in a dead body, not saving the life of a sick boy who looks like the live-action version of the orphan kid from The Simpsons. All he need was the hacking cough. Awful, awful, awful.
Oh man, how I wanted to like this movie. I am so easy to please, which is why I make such a lousy critic. I tend to enjoy most of the movies I see, or at least find parts of them enjoyable. I’m just a positive guy by nature. I’m easily amused. But I can’t be positive about this. It’s like someone had a decent X-Files movie and then took one of the giant stem-cell needles featured in the film and sucked all the good stuff out of it.
The truth is out there, and I have no doubt that a good X-Files movie is also out there, but this isn’t it. This isn’t even close.
They really should have gone with the aliens.
I am also a huge X-Files fan and I did my best to leave that bias at the door when I stepped into the theater. I’m still not exactly sure where I stand with it. I DID actually like the story and as a movie, I think it did well. That is, any other 2 A list actors could have played the lead roles and this would have been a good movie. But for some reason, the Mulder/Scully atmopshere didn’t translate well to the script.
The only REAL reason I am saddened by it is that it didn’t do well at the box office. Carter had said that if this film did well, there would be one more that would wrap up the 2012 loose ends from the show. Now, seeing as how this one failed at the box office, I fear we won’t see it.
LOL, even though I don’t wholly agree with your views, this was an entertaining review!
No worries, Barry. I was just on your site the other day talking about how I was really going to give this movie a chance despite all the bad hype. If it’s any consolation I don’t usually post negative reviews on my site. If I don’t like something, I typically don’t saying anything at all. You know what they say, the worst kind of review is no review at all. But my friends know I’m an X-Files fan, so I knew I had to say something about the movie.
I guess I just didn’t see why it was an X-Files movie. The characters were there, sort of, but the plot didn’t remind me much of the series.
I’m hoping it does well enough so we get the alien movie they promised, but I don’t the flick itself really deserves it. Maybe by the time 2012 rolls around everyone will have forgotten this one and we’ll get the alien movie regardless. :)
For the record…I still love Fox Mulder. :)
Me too. Even Bearded Mulder didn’t look too bad. Not as good as Bearded Ian, but I give him props for trying to copy my look.
I wouldn’t say the movie was awful, only that it was … meh. Those things I loved most about the show were gone. Actually, I found the best review of it was the A.V. Talk podcast over at http://www.avclub.com . They said everything I was thinking, and some things I didn’t know I thought until I heard it verbalized. Mulder and Scully seemed past the point of being in an interesting relationship and now are just a tired old couple. It also bothers me that I still don’t know if Mulder and Scully were living together all those years, and if not, who’s house were they at?
Basically, my issues boiled down to Mulder not doing anything, Scully not doing anything, no scares, and tepid plot. I admire Carter’s attempt to do something different, but it was a washout.
Too bad. It put the lid on my memories.
Yeah, they kind of skated over whether Scully had been in contact with Mulder during those six years, much less involved with him romantically, or if she only went out to his place at the request of the FBI agent. I suspect they kept things purposely ambiguous because they know that, despite making them an item, the show works best when they aren’t putting too much emphasize on their romantic relationship. Definitely a tired old couple.
I’ll check out that review at A.V. Talk.
I was the same way. I *loved* the X-Files show from its inception. For a few years I wrote up comprehensive episode synopsis for CompuServe (back when I was on CompuServe). I also hosted there a weekly X-Files forum chat with a solid group of regular people.
So I went into the current X-Files movie ready to forgive anything, and I was sorely disappointed. I likened it to an elongated TV episode, and not one of the better type episodes. It’s a shame this one will effectively kill the franchise. Even if there was an awesome script, I can see no way another X-Files movie will/can ever be made.
I think that was the truest sign of how bad I thought the movie really was. Being such a big fan, being known as such among friends and family, and defending the film against the negative reviews before I actually saw it. Big mistake on my part. :)
I’m hoping that by the time 2012 rolls around people will have forgotten this one and we’ll still get our alien X-Files movie. But I think you’re right: there may be no coming back after this one.
Just finished watching a downloaded copy. And i actually enjoyed it. Maybe the fact i watched it on a 27″ tv made the difference. I was never a huge fan like you, and was expecting the worst but thought i really wasn’t bad.
Maybe I’ll like it more on DVD. I figure I’m a big enough fan to give it a second try one day… some day.