As usual, I discuss the whole movie, so thar be spoilers ahead. Ye are fairly warned.

Okay, so the first thing I have to say about Cloverfield is that I’ve been wanting to see it for a long time, and I just managed to catch it before it disappeared into the limbo between theatrical release and the DVD, and boy, am I glad that I caught it on the big screen. I would have still enjoyed it on our fairly large widescreen television, but let’s face it, folks, any flick about a monster tearing apart a major city like New York has to be seen in a movie theatre.

Secondly, since the name of the film was released (it was a secret for some time) I’ve been calling the damn thing CloverLEAF instead of CloverFIELD, which in turn had me thinking the mystery monsters is actually some sort of giant pissed-off tuna. Or maybe a disgruntled mutant dolphin that got captured in a net. I’m sorry to report that the creature turned out to be neither. I guess this means I still have a chance to make my own movie, Dolphinicus. All rights reserved, suckas.

Thirdly, there’s been a lot of talk about the shaky cam, how annoying it is, blah-blah-blah. I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I know some people can’t handle it. All I can say is that the movie is supposed to be done in that hand-held, reality-TV style, so there’s going to be some shaky cam. That’s life, folks. And frankly, I found the camera was much shakier in the beginning when Hud is futzing around with it at the party than when the group is running from the monster (or maybe I just got used to it). So, if shaky-cam really makes you sick, take some Gravol or Dramamine or whatever works for motion sickness and go see this flick, because it’s really worth your time and your queasiness.

At this point everyone already knows the concept. It’s Godzilla meets The Blair Witch Project. So if you’re one of those people who didn’t like the lack of closure at the end of TBWP, then don’t bother with Cloverfield. There are answers, and unlike TBWP you do get to see the monster, but since this is supposed to be “found footage,” you must know going in that you’re not going to get a neat and tidy narrative with a beginning, middle, and end. Some people get really pissed off by the abrupt endings of such movies, but I’ve never understood that. If it had a neat pat ending, it would go against the whole disjointed concept of a video camera found in “the area formerly known as ‘Central Park’.” (Btw, that ‘formerly known’ bit had people in the theatre whispering excitedly even before the picture actually started. Very nice.)

So this guy Rob is thrown a surprise party because he’s off to a take a big job in Japan. All of his friends are there, including a woman named Beth who we learn Rob has had a crush on since college, and that they actually slept together a few weeks earlier — footage from that time, not the sex but rather a trip to Coney Island, is cleverly interspersed throughout the rest of the film. Things aren’t good between Rob and Beth, because Rob hasn’t called Beth since that special night on account of his leaving for Japan soon. It’s a torrid state of affairs which is only further complicated by the arrival of a giant monster that kicks the evening off by snacking on the head of the Statue of Liberty and spitting it out down the street so it can be perfectly framed by the film’s de facto cameraman, Rob’s “main dude,” Hud.

The creature, which is actually pretty freaky-looking, is glimpsed briefly before stalking off to look for grub elsewhere. Rob, his brother Jason, Jason’s girlfriend Lily, Hud, and a girl from the party named Marlena, decide it would probably be a good idea to watch the carnage from a safe distance. Like on CNN on the other side of the city. Meanwhile the military shows up and starts escorting people across one of the bridges connecting New York to the boroughs (the Brooklyn Bridge? I can’t recall). While Rob and his group are crossing, he gets a call from Beth. She’s trapped in her apartment and she can’t get out. She’s been hurt and she asks Rob to come help her. Now this is the part where a lot of viewers would say, Rob, forget her! She’s not worth it! But of course, if one of us was in that position and the girl or guy we loved was trapped, I think most of us would go back and help. We don’t like to see it in movies, but I like to think it happens all the time in real life.

Anyway, even those viewers who disagree with that particular plot point are spared the pain because at that moment the monster attacks again, destroys the bridge, and Rob and his crew have no choice but to head back into the city anyway. And hey, while we’re here, why don’t we go save Beth? Eh? Eh?

So off they go. The rest of the movie is Rob and his dwindling peeps evading the monster and the military as they duke it out. There are plenty of genuine scares, helped along by a second type of creature that I can only describe as the Cloverfield equivalent of the feeder fish that follow around sharks. These little parasites are about the size of a dog and look like a cross between a shrimp and a spider. Vicious little dickens with a nasty bite. Right, Marlena?

For those who haven’t seen the movie and are wondering if it’s one big monster tease, I can report that there are plenty of good shots of the creature. It doesn’t spend the entire movie hiding in the smoke and shadows. In fact, the end of the film takes place the morning after the initial attack, and there’s a particular frightening scene of the monster in the broad daylight. The movie certainly doesn’t punk out on the f/x. Nor does it lack in characters, I felt. When I first heard that the cast was a bunch of hip young New Yorkers, I figured I’d probably end up rooting for the monster. But I actually liked the characters and was hoping they’d make it out of the city. Even the cameraman, Hud, who plays the dippy boneheaded sidekick could have gone either way. You either find those types of characters really funny or really obnoxious, and fortunately Hud fell into the former category.

Now for the ending. Don’t read on if you don’t want to be spoiled. I’ve warned you twice now.

Okay, so I heard there was something in the final scene so I had better keep my eyes peeled. Well, I missed it. I liked that the film ended with a final splice of the Coney Island footage, and Beth remarking that they had had a “good day.” Great final line. But I had to go to Wikipedia and YouTube to find out that there was actually something going on in the background. If you go to either of those websites you can get the skinny. Suffice to say there’s some activity in the water when the camera pans over to the ocean. It’s very hard to see, even after several viewings on YouTube, but it is there. I’m not sure what it means. I was only peripherally aware of the film’s viral marketing, Slusho, the Bloop, and the oil rig attack, but apparently it all supports the theory that something landed in the water and woke up Clovey.

So if you can stand the shaky cam and you didn’t entirely loathe The Blair Witch Project (or at least liked the idea of it), then I think you’ll find a lot to like in Cloverfield. And if it’s still in your area theatre, I’d suggest you catch it before it’s gone. Seeing it on DVD just won’t be the same. Some monsters just aren’t meant to be caged in television.

Roar.