First of all, Happy Leap Year everyone! I forgot we had one this year and woke up thinking it was the first of March. Not that it really changed my life in any major fundamental way. It’s just, well another day of February. Moving on.

Last night’s episode of Lost was easily my favourite of the season. Absolutely loved it! I was really expecting we’d have to wait until the end of the season (again) for the next big chunk of story involving Desmond and Penny. My theory is that the Black Rock journal Mr. Widmore was bidding on in 1996 contains instructions from the Hanso family in the past telling Widmore that he needs to make sure Desmond enters the boat race so he will in turn get stuck on the island and save the world pushing the button in the Swan. Also, I think the Hansos know (probably through some time-travelling of their own) that Penny will be instrumental in locating the island since they know she will be using all of her resources to find Desmond. That’s who the freighter peeps are working for: Charles Widmore. It would certainly explain why the crew has instructions not to answer Penny’s transmission. Her father doesn’t want Penny knowing he and his shadowy organization are already out there trying to access the island. That’s my guess, anyway.

Last night’s episode will also no doubt give fanfic writers grist for plenty of Lost slash featuring Desmond and Faraday. Think Maverick and Iceman from Top Gun: “You can be my wingman any day!” It’s not hard to picture Faraday looking longingly into Desmond’s eyes: “You can be my constant any day!” Aww, Penny’s gonna be so pissed!

A show hasn’t attained true popularity until fans start writing about the homoerotic elements of its characters.

The Dead Letter Press website reports that Bound For Evil arrived from the printer today, and that orders will begin shipping out tomorrow.

This is going to be one big attractive book. I’ll be sure to post a picture of it propped next to Thor for scale. Not that it will mean much. Thor is one damn big cat. And he probably weighs as much as the book. Okay, I’ll take a picture of it next to something smaller. Like our couch.

Also, props to my bud Erik Smetana for pointing me to this great writing demotivator.

I also like this one, which could just have easily used that quote about how everyone has a novel in them, and for most people that’s a good place for it.

Hardy-har.

As usual, I discuss the whole movie, so thar be spoilers ahead. Ye are fairly warned.

Okay, so the first thing I have to say about Cloverfield is that I’ve been wanting to see it for a long time, and I just managed to catch it before it disappeared into the limbo between theatrical release and the DVD, and boy, am I glad that I caught it on the big screen. I would have still enjoyed it on our fairly large widescreen television, but let’s face it, folks, any flick about a monster tearing apart a major city like New York has to be seen in a movie theatre.

Secondly, since the name of the film was released (it was a secret for some time) I’ve been calling the damn thing CloverLEAF instead of CloverFIELD, which in turn had me thinking the mystery monsters is actually some sort of giant pissed-off tuna. Or maybe a disgruntled mutant dolphin that got captured in a net. I’m sorry to report that the creature turned out to be neither. I guess this means I still have a chance to make my own movie, Dolphinicus. All rights reserved, suckas.

Thirdly, there’s been a lot of talk about the shaky cam, how annoying it is, blah-blah-blah. I didn’t find it to be that bad, but I know some people can’t handle it. All I can say is that the movie is supposed to be done in that hand-held, reality-TV style, so there’s going to be some shaky cam. That’s life, folks. And frankly, I found the camera was much shakier in the beginning when Hud is futzing around with it at the party than when the group is running from the monster (or maybe I just got used to it). So, if shaky-cam really makes you sick, take some Gravol or Dramamine or whatever works for motion sickness and go see this flick, because it’s really worth your time and your queasiness.

At this point everyone already knows the concept. It’s Godzilla meets The Blair Witch Project. So if you’re one of those people who didn’t like the lack of closure at the end of TBWP, then don’t bother with Cloverfield. There are answers, and unlike TBWP you do get to see the monster, but since this is supposed to be “found footage,” you must know going in that you’re not going to get a neat and tidy narrative with a beginning, middle, and end. Some people get really pissed off by the abrupt endings of such movies, but I’ve never understood that. If it had a neat pat ending, it would go against the whole disjointed concept of a video camera found in “the area formerly known as ‘Central Park’.” (Btw, that ‘formerly known’ bit had people in the theatre whispering excitedly even before the picture actually started. Very nice.)

So this guy Rob is thrown a surprise party because he’s off to a take a big job in Japan. All of his friends are there, including a woman named Beth who we learn Rob has had a crush on since college, and that they actually slept together a few weeks earlier — footage from that time, not the sex but rather a trip to Coney Island, is cleverly interspersed throughout the rest of the film. Things aren’t good between Rob and Beth, because Rob hasn’t called Beth since that special night on account of his leaving for Japan soon. It’s a torrid state of affairs which is only further complicated by the arrival of a giant monster that kicks the evening off by snacking on the head of the Statue of Liberty and spitting it out down the street so it can be perfectly framed by the film’s de facto cameraman, Rob’s “main dude,” Hud.

The creature, which is actually pretty freaky-looking, is glimpsed briefly before stalking off to look for grub elsewhere. Rob, his brother Jason, Jason’s girlfriend Lily, Hud, and a girl from the party named Marlena, decide it would probably be a good idea to watch the carnage from a safe distance. Like on CNN on the other side of the city. Meanwhile the military shows up and starts escorting people across one of the bridges connecting New York to the boroughs (the Brooklyn Bridge? I can’t recall). While Rob and his group are crossing, he gets a call from Beth. She’s trapped in her apartment and she can’t get out. She’s been hurt and she asks Rob to come help her. Now this is the part where a lot of viewers would say, Rob, forget her! She’s not worth it! But of course, if one of us was in that position and the girl or guy we loved was trapped, I think most of us would go back and help. We don’t like to see it in movies, but I like to think it happens all the time in real life.

Anyway, even those viewers who disagree with that particular plot point are spared the pain because at that moment the monster attacks again, destroys the bridge, and Rob and his crew have no choice but to head back into the city anyway. And hey, while we’re here, why don’t we go save Beth? Eh? Eh?

So off they go. The rest of the movie is Rob and his dwindling peeps evading the monster and the military as they duke it out. There are plenty of genuine scares, helped along by a second type of creature that I can only describe as the Cloverfield equivalent of the feeder fish that follow around sharks. These little parasites are about the size of a dog and look like a cross between a shrimp and a spider. Vicious little dickens with a nasty bite. Right, Marlena?

For those who haven’t seen the movie and are wondering if it’s one big monster tease, I can report that there are plenty of good shots of the creature. It doesn’t spend the entire movie hiding in the smoke and shadows. In fact, the end of the film takes place the morning after the initial attack, and there’s a particular frightening scene of the monster in the broad daylight. The movie certainly doesn’t punk out on the f/x. Nor does it lack in characters, I felt. When I first heard that the cast was a bunch of hip young New Yorkers, I figured I’d probably end up rooting for the monster. But I actually liked the characters and was hoping they’d make it out of the city. Even the cameraman, Hud, who plays the dippy boneheaded sidekick could have gone either way. You either find those types of characters really funny or really obnoxious, and fortunately Hud fell into the former category.

Now for the ending. Don’t read on if you don’t want to be spoiled. I’ve warned you twice now.

Okay, so I heard there was something in the final scene so I had better keep my eyes peeled. Well, I missed it. I liked that the film ended with a final splice of the Coney Island footage, and Beth remarking that they had had a “good day.” Great final line. But I had to go to Wikipedia and YouTube to find out that there was actually something going on in the background. If you go to either of those websites you can get the skinny. Suffice to say there’s some activity in the water when the camera pans over to the ocean. It’s very hard to see, even after several viewings on YouTube, but it is there. I’m not sure what it means. I was only peripherally aware of the film’s viral marketing, Slusho, the Bloop, and the oil rig attack, but apparently it all supports the theory that something landed in the water and woke up Clovey.

So if you can stand the shaky cam and you didn’t entirely loathe The Blair Witch Project (or at least liked the idea of it), then I think you’ll find a lot to like in Cloverfield. And if it’s still in your area theatre, I’d suggest you catch it before it’s gone. Seeing it on DVD just won’t be the same. Some monsters just aren’t meant to be caged in television.

Roar.

Finished two new stories today. One is a horror-lite piece called “Day Pass,” the other is a medical comedy called “I Hate Needles.” There was much giggling from the wife while reading one of them.

Fortunately it was the right one.

Some neat footage of a Navy missile taking out an errant spy satellite.

Having spent some time among the UFO people, I’m sure there will be some of those folks who will accuse the government of actually shooting down a UFO, or that the satellite had been nudged by a flying saucer into a dangerous orbit, and that’s the REAL reason it had to be shot down (when something is in orbit around a planet, is it still said to be “shot down”? hmmm.). Nothing happens in space without the saucerheads weighing in with some conspiracy or another because, well, there’s always a conspiracy.

And that’s exactly what they want you to think.

I was reading Nick Kauffman’s blog today about an e-mail he received from one of those sketchy companies that spam writers with offers of promoting their work, making them famous, etc. It reminded me of one such offer I received last week from a writer/editor offering me a) access to the exclusive online writing course he teaches, and b) his services after the course on an ongoing basis as a mentor.

I receive e-mails like this every now and again, and they always seem to come from authors/organizations I’ve never heard of, and they always sound like passive-aggressive ultimatums. “You don’t want to miss out on this opportunity!” “It would be a shame to let your talent go to waste!” Blah blah blah. It all boils down to the same thing, that if you don’t take their course/workshop/mentoring program… well, you’re just not going to make it, bud.

I don’t have a problem with writing workshops or mentoring programs in general. I have a problem with the ones that cold call you and act like they’re bestowing a great gift upon you. I especially have a problem with anyone who says you need workshops and mentoring programs. I mean, the one piece of universal writing advice is that there is no single way to do it, that you should do whatever works best for you. I find the people who have told me that I’ll never make it without workshops or that I should find a mentor are the ones who run such programs. Fortunately that makes them fairly easy to ignore, since it’s clear they have more to gain than I do. Saying that writers need workshops/mentoring is like saying children need church. It’s nice for some people, but it’s not for everyone. Plenty of kids grow up to be perfectly well-adjusted citizens without church, and plenty of writers go on to have great careers without having taken a single workshop or mentoring program.

But I’m not arguing those subjects. I’m talking specifically about the shysters. The ones who say you NEED to sign up for their program or you’re NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT!

Fortunately they’re easy to spot.

First of all, I’d suggest staying away from any business that make writing sound like real estate in Florida or a set of deluxe steak knives – that is, stay away from the ones that present their offer like a sleazy sales pitch. Stay away from the ones that use lots of exclamation points in their spam. It’s greasy and it’s a sign of poor punctuation. Stay away from the ones that advertise themselves as “Better than Clarion!” or better than anyone else for that matter. It’s not a contest, after all. If you’re looking to take a workshop, I implore you to go for one you’ve heard of, or one where you’ve checked out the references of the parties involved. Even better, pick one run by an author you know and admire. They’re less likely to screw you around than some unknown entity.

Usually when I get one of these “offers,” I delete them outright. But I didn’t do that this time. In this instance I replied to the fellow, saying that while I appreciated the offer — and the discount he was willing to give me, on account of my being an “extremely talented writer” — I wasn’t really interested in taking any writing courses at this time, and that I didn’t feel the need for a mentor. I was exceedingly polite and thanked him for his interest and his time.

Well… the second e-mail wasn’t so nice. It didn’t start off “Dear Assface,” but it was pretty close. The guy told me that if I wanted to succeed in publishing, then I had better change my “lofty attitude” on writing workshops and mentoring programs. “Every good writer needs them!!!” he informed me.

That was news to me. As I said before, I have no problem with such workshops and programs, they’re just not for me. And I don’t feel I’ve been suffering any for my lack of them. In fact, I’ve sold over 20 stories to date and never workshopped a single one of them. That doesn’t mean I don’t show them to people for proofing and feedback, and it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t workshop a story in the future, but I thought that was a fairly broad generalization for him to make. But again, it was coming from someone who makes money, presumably, from such programs, so it’s the sort of thing I’d expect him to say.

The thing that annoyed me about this fellow’s caustic reply was that nowhere in my e-mail did I project any kind of attitude, lofty or otherwise. I think writing workshops and mentoring programs are great… if that’s what you feel you need.

Suffice to say I didn’t bother replying to the second e-mail. To keep writing him back would have been a waste of his time, and, more importantly, a waste of my time. Also, I’ve got this thing about strangers telling me what’s in my own best interests.

Especially with so many exclamation points.

Kat was out of town this past weekend. She was either visiting her brother in Banff or she ran off with Naveen Andrews from Lost. I can’t remember which.

I did what I usually do on weekends alone: drank gallons of coffee, ate buckets of chicken, and watched a bunch of movies. I watched Chinatown on Friday night, a goodie I haven’t seen in years. Also, Amityville 3-D (terrible), The Exorcism of Emily Rose (meh), Identity (pretty good), and The Last Winter (very good). Oh, and I got some writing done. In fact, I’m almost finished a new short story called “Day Pass.” I’m quite happy with it, but I’m not sure where I’ll be sending it. The problem with having 26 stories out and about is that it doesn’t leave many places to send new stories. I also scribbled a bunch of notes on a new short story called “The Man With The Psychic Gun.”

Some writerly things I found lately:

John Grisham has no illusions about writing

Nick Mamatas on writers who argue with rejection letters

Lavie Tidhar’s mini-rant on SFWA

John Scalzi on the upcoming SFWA election

Kat’s back in a few short hours, so I should probably go clean the house.

• Currently reading: The Hidden, by Sarah Pinborough

This morning I e-mailed Jeff VanderMeer about established authors who decided to write “tie-in” novels (i.e., works based on pre-existing media properties, like Star Wars and Star Trek), and he was kind enough to answer me on his blog.