It’s my sad duty to report that I’ll be leaving for awhile. This is as much a surprise to me as it is to you, I can assure you. Kathryn isn’t happy about it, and I can’t say I am either, although I believe it’s ultimately for the best.
It began last week when I was approached by a group called The Dharma Initiative. As far as I can figure, they’re a clandestine think-tank with interests in virtually every field of business and technology.
The rep who contacted me said he and the Initiative were very interested in my writing career and wanted to help me with my novel. He said he understood the difficulties of writing one’s first novel. He commiserated over the myriad distractions and stresses of everyday life and how they prevent the writer from achieving his full potential. On behalf of the Initiative, he offered to set me up at a remote location where I could work undisturbed and finish my book.
After a long talk with Kathryn, we both agreed that this is the push I need to truly get my writing career off the ground. It’s not going to be easy, but we both feel that it will be worth it in the end.
The rep said I’d be gone only six months, which isn’t too bad, and when I come back I’ll have a finished novel.
There are a lot of things I’d like to tell you about this unusual endeavor, but I figured it was easier to let the Dharma Initiative speak for itself. The following is a transcript of my orientation film.
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Do you want to be a best-selling novelist? The Dharma Initiative can make it happen for you!
Welcome. I am Dr. Katelyn Bookman. This is your orientation film for Station #7 of the Dharma Initiative.
We at the Initiative understand the difficulty involved in writing your first novel. In order to provide you with the environment necessary to complete your work, you will be transported to a secluded location deep in the Canadian wilderness. This station is called The Quill.
You have been selected among a great many candidates for this project. We consider ourselves lucky to provide you with a place to complete your important work.
Upon your arrival at The Quill, you will be given the uniform for this particular station, consisting of scholarly glasses, a corduroy coat, and a pipe. You will be allowed to take these items with you at the end of your stay.
The Quill has been designed to meet all of your writing needs. All of the tools necessary for the completion of your novel are at your disposal, including a top-of-the-line computer, a writing desk, and, of course, a coffeemaker.
In order to provide you with the proper working environment, a number of contingences have been made. First and foremost, communication with the outside world is strictly prohibited. The Quill is not equipped with a telephone, a television, or a radio. The computer does not possess internet or e-mail access. Although these conditions may seem harsh, we believe it is in the best interest of your work.
Physical fitness and mental endurance is crucial during the writing of your novel. As such, it is important that you stay in shape. A series of exercise regiments has been provided for you.
In preparation of your novel’s publication, you should also practice for the all-important book-jacket photo.
Try to keep artistic outbursts to a minimum. Save your energy for the eventual book tour. Relax yourself with the yoga techniques provided, and spend time with The Quill’s resident cat, Hugo.
It is of the utmost importance that you work on your novel every 108 minutes. You must also be watchful for hostiles — what are known in the publishing world as “book critics.” They may attempt to compromise the integrity of the station.
By the end of your stay, you will have a completed manuscript to be sent off to prospective publishers. In no time at all your novel will be sold and you will be out traveling the world on an extensive book tour.
On behalf of everyone at the Dharma Initiative, thank you, namaste, and… good luck.
